Archive for December, 2007

What medical condition do you have?

December 31, 2007

“E.D.”

“Feminine itching.”

“Overactive bladder.”

“If you have an erection lasting over four hours…”

“Vaginal dryness.”

“I have herpes.”

And the latest, heard on TV just this afternoon… “May cause a reduction in semen.”

I am so glad these medical catchphrases do not exist on Swiss television.

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No kidding

December 31, 2007

Found printed on the back of the remote control to my grandmother’s television:

“Not dishwasher safe.”

Happy birthday to me!

December 28, 2007

Today was a good day. I went to see “Atonement” with my dad (at first I couldn’t decide whether I liked it or not, but now I’ve decided that I do). It’s set in the 1930s and 40s, and it’s about how a girl’s lie ruins two people’s lives. Then I took a nap, and then we went out for a milkshake before driving through neighborhoods to see Christmas lights. Here are a few of the displays we saw:

A Texas sleigh:

(In case you can’t tell, that’s a covered wagon the reindeer are pulling):

Our Dallas sports teams:

And a Texas Christmas isn’t complete without an armadillo or two:

We also saw what I called a “schizo” house at first. As it turns out, you tune into a radio station and all of the sudden it’s not so schizo anymore — the lights are timed to music! It was very neat.

Overall, a very good birthday.

Merry (belated) Christmas

December 27, 2007

…from our family friends’ cat.

Home videos

December 26, 2007

Today we took a roadtrip to go visit my dad. He dug out a bunch of old home movies for me to watch while I was visiting him. (Side note: Oh my goodness! I had such an accent when I was little! I don’t sound like that anymore.)

One of the videos was from the Christmas that was three days before I turned five. Now, you have to understand that I surprised the heck out of my parents when I started reading at 18 months of age. So on this Christmas before I turned five, I was quietly taking in all the presents under the tree. Just looking at them and calmly stating what they were, not touching them. Then my father told me to look in my stocking, so I did. When I saw what was in there, I started screaming, “Two new books! Two new books!”

Apparently, they were the best present I got that year.

Merry Christmas Eve!

December 24, 2007

Dang fool remote

December 23, 2007

Yesterday morning I lost the remote control. I tore up my room looking for it. No remote. I tore up my grandmother’s room, the living room, the dining room, and the kitchen. Still no remote. Not even in the fridge.

That made me pretty mad. Our television is really, really old, and it’s not designed for cable. To get cable channels, you have to type them in on the number pad of the remote control. If you punch the channel up and down buttons on the TV, you just get network channels.

We spent the whole day out of the house, so I didn’t think much about it until last night. There was a program I really wanted to watch, so I decided to search for the remote one last time. The last time I’d had it was in bed when I woke up, so I figured it must be in the sheets somewhere. I stripped off the quilt, shook it out, and threw it in the floor. Then I did the same with the blanket, then with the sheet. Still no remote. I shook out the pillows and my teddy bear – still no remote. It wasn’t underneath or behind the bed, either. So I made the bed back up, one layer at a time, and put the pillows and the bear back on top. Then I changed into my pajamas, turned out the light and crawled into bed.

The pillows were uncomfortable, so I reached under them to pull them forward. And what do you know…

…out came the remote.

I swear the remote fairy must have stuck it there.

The best laid plans of mice and men

December 22, 2007

The other day I spent the whole day going back and forth between my mom’s house and my grandmother’s house. Don’t worry—they live a block apart from each other.

I was making the trips in my grandmother’s car. As I was leaving my mom’s house after the first trip, I realized that I didn’t have the right garage door opener.

I took a stab at it and guessed what the garage code might be. It didn’t work. So I called her and asked her what the code for the garage door was. As it turns out, my guess was right, but even after I tried it again, the garage door still wouldn’t shut.

Mom told me to close the garage door from the inside and leave the house through the back door, leaving it unlocked. Then I could open the backyard gate and get around to the car.

Well, as I was leaving through the back door, I realized that it could be locked from the inside. Not wanting to chance letting criminals in the back door, I chose to lock it.

When I got out into the backyard, though, I couldn’t find the gate. Hoping that I was just a little nearsighted and that there really was a gate, I called my mom again.

“Mom? I’m locked in the backyard and I can’t get out. Where’s the gate?”

She burst into laughter. “Kitty’s locked in the backyard!” she crowed to her coworkers.

Apparently the latch is on the outside of the gate, not the inside.

“You’re gonna have to climb over the fence!” said my mom. “But do it in a hurry, you don’t want the neighbors to call the police!”

“Are you sure that’s the only way out, Mom?”

“Well, there’s a ladder in the shed. But knock it over after you use it – we don’t want thieves to get in through the back yard.”

“Mom. The back door’s locked. They’d be in the same predicament I’m in.”

(Come to think of it… Hello! The latch is on the outside of the gate! All they have to do is flip the latch and they can get in the back yard!)

So I hung up and climbed up the fence on the ladder. I managed to reach down far enough on the outside of the gate to open the latch so I didn’t have to jump down on the other side. I drove back to my grandmother’s house and let myself in the house. Halfway through telling her what had just happened, the phone rang. It was my mom.

“Honey? I just thought of something… You know my garage door opener? The second button on your grandmother’s garage door opener opens my garage…”

These things only happen to me.

Too cute

December 21, 2007

Today I visited my mother’s school. She introduced me to her kids and explained that I speak Spanish. “¡Hola!” some of the kids called out. Then she told them that I speak French, too, and some of the other kids said, “Bonjour!” Then she told them that I’m learning German, and one of the girls piped up and said…

“Do you speak English?!”

Cracked me up.

The grammar gods

December 17, 2007

have finally smiled down upon South Texas grocery stores.

For those of you who don’t know, there is a difference between “fewer” and “less”. “Fewer” is used in reference to countable nouns, and “less” is used in reference to uncountable nouns.

An uncountable noun is something that can’t be counted, like “love” or “rage”. Countable nouns can be counted, like “dogs”. One dog, two dogs, three dogs… you get the picture.

How many times have you gotten into the express checkout lane and seen the sign “10 items or less” over the register? Think about the mini grammar lesson I just gave you. Notice a problem?

So imagine my (pleasant) surprise in HEB last night when I noticed that the signs had been changed to read “10 items or fewer”.

I am probably the only patron of the store who appreciates the change. But it only takes one, right?