Archive for May, 2011

99 bottles of barium on the wall

May 31, 2011

99 bottles of barium,

you take one down,

pass it around,

98 bottles of barium on the wall.

(Okay, so it was only two bottles of barium, and they were chocolate mocha flavored, but they still weren’t fun to drink.  It’s fair to say that I was grumpy for most of the day.  Thank goodness for the pho restaurant near the doctor’s office.)


Clean pearly whites

May 24, 2011

I’ve never been a great fan of going to the dentist.  My teeth have been bad since I was a little kid, and I don’t ever get good reports.  Once I even had 13 cavities in one visit(!).

Anyway, I’ve been doing the barest of maintenance dentistry for the past four years — a wisdom tooth removal and some cavities filled.  Until today.

I went and got my teeth cleaned today with a full exam, and they feel so good.  Although I had forgotten how much poking and prodding and scraping is involved beforehand.  Now I know why the oncologist was insistent on antibiotics!

But now I have clean teeth. 🙂

It’s raining!

May 12, 2011

We’ve been desperate for it — no measurable rain in March or April, and we were already in a drought, to boot.

The new neighbors

May 11, 2011

probably think that I’m a flea-ridden ape masquerading as a Richard Simmons wannabe. Because that’s what I look like after radiation, and they can see me through the front window.

My favorite childhood game

May 9, 2011

My Swiss Mom is bugging me to get me to start writing stories/a memoir, so I figured I’d share an old story with y’all today.  I wrote it back when I was 18, as an assignment for a freshman class.  We had to write on the prompt “My Favorite Childhood Game”.  Here it is:

            Andrea and I run toward the closet, racing to see who can get the pretty, white, lacy dress first.  There are two white lacy dresses, but only one is the pretty, white, lacy dress.

This time I get to it first.

We change into the dresses as quickly as possible, shrieking with laughter.  We’re in a hurry!  There’s an adventure waiting for us in the back yard.

We tear through the house, nearly crashing through the back door.  (We know that crashing through the back door is a bad idea—my dad tried that once.)  Once outside, the cool spring air gives us goosebumps on our arms.  The dew on the grass is cold, too—but there’s something liberating about running around barefoot and without a jacket in the spring.

We start looking for weeds in the lawn.  Not just any old weeds—these weeds are special weeds.  They have tiny purple flowers on them, just beginning to bloom.  We collect six each.  This is the beginning of our game.

We climb into our “carriage”.  It’s a special swing on the swingset that has two benches facing each other and that is enclosed on three sides.  It’s our “carriage” because we feel like princesses in our beautiful dresses, and princesses must travel in carriages!

Swing, swing! we yell, going as high as we can.  The higher we go, the faster we’re travelling through Candy Land.  You have to go very fast in order to stay away from the bad guys.  And there are plenty of natural disasters that chase us, too.

Soon we realise we’re in trouble—we’ve run right into the Molasses Swamp!  Gloppy comes out and menaces us, demanding that we give him candy.  But we don’t have any, we tell him.

Gloppy is very angry—he grows bigger and bigger, threatening to catch us and keep us as his slaves.  We’re very frightened.  He’s enormous and ugly, and he has bad breath.  But suddenly Andrea has an idea.  Throw the weeds at him! she yells.

The weeds are magic, she’s discovered.  When you throw them at evil people, they turn into candy.  Sure enough, when we throw the weeds at Gloppy, he snatches them up and disappears.  Hooray!  We’re saved!

We swing away from the Molasses Swamp as quickly as possible.  After all, he might change his mind and come chase after us!  We squeal and shudder at the thought, racing along faster and faster in our chariot.  Our hair blows in the wind, creating a sort of reddish-gold fire when the sun shines on it.  It feels like we’re flying!

Once we’re clear of the swamp, we don’t have time to think about flying.  We need more magic weeds in case we run into any more trouble.  Gathering weeds during the journey is very dangerous.  If you’re not absolutely quiet, the villains will sneak up on you and capture you!  Not to mention that there’s a typhoon on the way.

We creep silently out of our carriage and search for the weeds.  They’re not easy to find.  When we’ve gotten all that we need (six each!) we tiptoe back to our carriage.  I get in, but then I realise that Andrea’s not behind me.  Where did she go?

Help! someone yells.  Please help me!  It’s Andrea!

I run through the forest, trying to find her.  There she is!  A gigantic gumdrop has grabbed her.  I need to give him candy to make him let her go.  But wait—I left all my weeds in our carriage.  Now what am I going to do?

Fight him! Andrea yells.  So I run up to him and start hitting and kicking him with all my strength.  At first it doesn’t seem to be doing any good, and I get tired quickly.  But Andrea finds some sticks and pokes them at the gumdrop.  He roars in pain, and we make our escape.  In my haste to get in the carriage, I scrape my leg.  It stings, but it’s the least of my worries.  We have villains to escape from!  And where did our weeds go?  They are essential to our well-being.  We are relieved to find that all of our weeds are still in the carriage.

We start to swing again, but we are so tired and out of breath from our dangerous encounters that we can’t go as fast as we did at first.  This is a problem, since Queen Frostine of the Ice Cream Sea is sending a typhoon after us.  She’s friends with both Gloppy and the gigantic gumdrop, and she’s very mad that we’ve escaped from them.  The slower we go, the closer the typhoon comes to us.

Suddenly it’s upon us!  We’re drenched in freezing cold ice cream slush, and the waves slam into us.  We’re very frightened—it’s possible that we could drown.  We start to scream for help.  Help!  Please help us!  We’re drowning in the typhoon!  Save us from the typhoon!  Help!

My mom comes out the door.  She tells us not to scream “help” because the neighbours might think that something is wrong.  We decide to say “SOS” instead—we just learned about it during our unit on the Titanic in school.  SOS!  SOS!  A typhoon!

Out of nowhere, Queen Frostine materialises.  We gasp in awe of her icy splendour.  Her voice is steely cold when she speaks to us.  She demands that we give her all of the candy that exists in the gumdrop’s forest.  This is all there is, we tell her, showing her the twelve weeds we gathered.

It’s a lie, of course.  There were lots more weeds in the forest.  But sometimes it is necessary to lie in order to escape a villainess.  Miraculously, she believes us and lets us pass.

Once the foamy Ice Cream Sea calms, we can see something wondrous far, far away.  It gleams in the light of the sun, beckoning to us.  It seems like a happy place.  When we get closer, we realise that it’s a candy palace!  The palace is in the middle of a marshmallow cloud.  The walls are made out of gingerbread, and all sorts of scrumptious candies are stuck to them.  There are nonpareils, gummy candies, Jolly Ranchers, Smarties. . .an unbelievable assortment!  Then the roof is made of peppermint, and the lights leading up to the palace are giant lollipops.

When we get to the palace, we see that it is so tall that the top disappears in the clouds.  There is candy everywhere!  And we can eat as much as we want.  It’s every child’s dream come true.

My mom comes back outside.  Andrea’s mom wants her to come home now.  We’ve spent the whole day playing together!  We’re not sad for it to end, though, because we know that next time there will be another adventure waiting for us in Candy Land. . .

Shocked and slightly embarrassed

May 8, 2011

by the sight of my teddy bear without a T-shirt, I sang:

If they’re smart, they’ll get sick more often

May 7, 2011

One of the dogs ate something inedible and got blocked up.  So now she’s on a vet-prescribed diet of mashed potatoes and boiled chicken instead of dog food.  And to keep from hurting his feelings, the other dog is getting a little bit of that mixed in with his regular food, too.

I never thought I’d see the day

May 6, 2011

where Pat Sajak would take his clothes off in public. For those who missed Wheel tonight, fast forward to 20:45.

Pasted over a button at the doctor’s office

May 4, 2011

Human Chinese food

May 3, 2011

I misread this sign all the time: