Archive for June, 2011

It is finished

June 30, 2011

Today I became officially Jewish!

The most interesting question I was asked: “What do you not like about Judaism?”

The most interesting thing that I learned: 235 pounds of fat girl is a lot more buoyant than 149 pounds of skinny girl.  Talk about having two floaties stuck to the front of your chest!

The thing that went the most wrong: The door malfunctioned and I got locked in the mikveh.

All in all, a great day. 🙂

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My dog’s favorite commercial

June 23, 2011

Anatomically incorrect

June 22, 2011

The doctor just told me that I have to either wear compression hose or learn to pee out my toes (yes, those were her exact words).

Given my druthers, I druther learn to pee out my toes.  Much more convenient, especially in the hospital.

Almost as bad as “nucular”

June 18, 2011

I think that if you’re a chef, you should know how to pronounce what you’re cooking.  So, for those of you who are interested, the word “chipotle” is pronounced “chee poht lay”, NOT “chip ohl tee”.

You may now go back to your regularly scheduled cooking.

Dear people in the two-door black Jeep parked next to us at Chili’s

June 16, 2011

I’m sorry I threw up all over the pavement right at the driver’s door.  I promise I didn’t have anything alcoholic to drink.  And I didn’t deliberately make the puddle that big, either — the wind kept blowing the vomit sideways out of my mouth.  And I apologize for the color — I ate corn soup and drank a Shirley Temple.

And don’t worry — I didn’t eat anything bad.  I just coughed really hard and sucked a bunch of air into my stomach.  No food poisoning.

Sincerely,

The girl in the white Camry whose mom told her to hurry up and finish so we could get out of the parking lot before you came out of the restaurant.

The roy roy choo choo bird…

June 14, 2011

is a cardinal!  I’ve been wondering about that ever since I was in fifth grade.  I had a trampoline in the back yard and used to lie on it and listen to the birds, naming them after the way they sounded.

Well, lately I’ve been hearing the roy roy choo choo bird again, and today my mom heard it while she saw a cardinal in the back yard.  So we clicked on the sound file of a cardinal call, and wouldn’t you know — that’s what it is.  Pretty cool. 🙂

Keep on keepin’ on

June 14, 2011

I did not feel good this morning.  I was achy all over, which is not an auspicious start when you have to go walking at the local park at 5:30 in the morning.

I forced myself to go anyway.  It does have to become a habit, after all.  And if you find an excuse not to go one day, you’ll find an excuse not to go the next.

I heard a brand new bird that I’d never heard before this morning, so I guess I made the right choice. 🙂

You’ll have to forgive him

June 12, 2011

It’s his first day as a blonde. (Seriously. His hair was dyed yesterday afternoon.)

My stepdad wanted to get something off the top shelf in the back of the shed, so he stood on the handle of a power washer and reached halfway across the length of the shed.

Obviously, he fell. On his back and his head.

I was in the living room and heard an almighty crash followed by a lot of agonized yelling. It scared my dog Osker. I ran out the door and yelled at him to stay when he tried to follow me, scaring him even more.

Mom ended up having to pull him up and give him my high school crutches so he could get around. It looked moderately ridiculous, as I’m 6’1″ and he’s considerably shorter.

When I got back inside, the dog needed snuggles to calm down. He got them. 🙂

PSA

June 12, 2011

“Potato” doesn’t have an E at the end. Neither does “tomato”. Just think of it this way — they are not endowed with a big toe to hop around on.

The Lazy Song

June 11, 2011

Too cute.