Archive for September, 2011

Motivational speech

September 27, 2011

Yesterday I trudged through a significant amount of the administrative backlog that’s been weighing me down with anxiety.  Now Mom is wanting to get organized, too.  Here’s how this morning’s conversation went:

Mom (walking out the door): This afternoon when I get back, I really need to get organized.
Me: Okay.
Mom: I’ve got to get all that paperwork filed.  Can you help me out?
Me: Sure.
Mom:  I really need for you to whip the crack.

(silence)

Mom: That sounded painful…

An unfortunate woman

September 26, 2011

My AI benefits are up for review for the next year, and part of the ginormous package that I have to send in is a letter from my oncologist stating to what degree I’m disabled.  My oncologist is Indian, so sometimes her turns of phrase in English are a little quaint.  In her letter, I am characterized as “an unfortunate woman with renal cell carcinoma”.  It kind of cracked me up…

I used to be the strongest

September 24, 2011

Okay, this is kind of a secret, because my doctor doesn’t know about it and she’d be mad if she did.

I tried to go horseback riding today.

I got the horse groomed and tacked, but by then I had very little energy left.  (The fact that it was over 100 outside didn’t help, either.  Wasn’t yesterday supposed to be the first day of fall?)  I managed to get on the horse with a decent amount of assistance, but I only stayed on for 5 minutes before turning white and needing to get off.

Oh, well.  Maybe next week…

Tonight’s dinner conversation

September 22, 2011

My friends from Geneva are in town for a week-long visit.  Last night, we were at the kitchen table talking about my dog Osker and how he gets on my stomach and licks me when he knows I don’t feel good.  Somehow, that turned into a discussion about edible body chocolate, and my mom (who was frying chicken at the stove) started eavesdropping.

My friends: Why does everything have to be about melted candy?  It’s too sticky.  What happens when you miss a spot?
Me:  That’s what a good, long, hot shower is for.
My mom: Is that experience speaking?
Me: No, Mom, it’s a good imagination speaking.  Do I have a good imagination?
Mom: Yes, you do…

I promise I’m not a thief

September 20, 2011

I’m always proud of myself when I manage to get a good deal on clothes, and the other day I managed to get 3 tops from Talbot’s for $10 each.  I threw one of them on this morning before my doctor’s appointment, meaning to cut off the tag in the car, but alas… no scissors.  So when the pulmonologist lifted up the back of my shirt, he saw the tag.

I promise I didn’t steal the shirt!  I’m just scissor-deficient.

Perspective

September 20, 2011

Today I went to the pulmonologist for an asthma test.  The test consists of breathing into a tube normally, then sucking in a deep breath and blowing into it the way you blow into a breathalyzer.  (No, I’ve never blown into a breathalyzer before, but I’ve been in the campus health center when kids came in to be treated for alcohol poisoning…)

Anyway, I did the test twice — once before and once after a nebulizer breathing treatment (which is also just breathing normally into a tube — the only difference is that you’re breathing medicated air).  Afterwards, the nurse came up to me and asked if I was all right.  A lot of people say this is the worst test they’ve ever had to do in their life, she confided.

I kind of looked at her cross-eyed and said, I’m fine… after all, I’ve had brain surgery twice.

It rained!

September 19, 2011

I’ve had my little car for a year now, and we only figured out how to run the windshield wipers today…

Another “you don’t look sick” moment

September 18, 2011

At shul this weekend, one of the men had the gall to criticize me for not standing up during kiddush.  I felt like saying, Look, dude, I’m not deaf.  I heard the rabbi invite us to stand.  Neither am I blind, (actually, that’s not entirely true — I’ve got some sight loss in my right eye), I can see that everyone else is standing.

But I didn’t.  I just smiled and nodded and ignored him for the rest of the service.

What gets me is that there are little old ladies who don’t stand for the same reason that I don’t — we’re not capable of staying on our feet for that long — but nobody dares criticize them.

Maybe I need to start wearing stage makeup that makes me appear sickly…

You know you’re tired when…

September 12, 2011

you fall asleep on the toilet and wake up as you fall off.

The proper scientific term

September 7, 2011

Most of you have seen stories about the Texas wildfires in the news lately.  Well, today one of the fires that had previously been put out reignited.  The voiceover accompanying the video on the news described the scene as “crop dusters dropping deep red fire slowdown stuff on the fire”.

Perhaps they meant “retardant”?