Archive for October, 2011

The one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater

October 31, 2011

Making purple people cookies for Halloween:

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Costume idea

October 31, 2011

Scene: Mom and I are in the hospital parking garage, looking for an empty parking spot.

Mom (pulling into a spot): Oh, I can’t park here.  It says “physician parking only”.
Me: Well, you could dress up as a physician for Halloween…

Who wouldn’t want to get a flu shot after seeing this?

October 19, 2011

 

And the making of the commercial:

 

We’ve done our research

October 19, 2011

and the average adult human bladder holds around 500 ml, or 20 oz, of fluid.

And, incidentally, according to today’s Jeopardy! clue, the standard for the number of gallons per flush is 1.6.

Quintessential mother-daughter conversation

October 18, 2011

Scene: the restroom at the doctor’s office.  Mom and I are using adjacent stalls.

Mom: I wonder how much we pee at a time.
Me: I don’t know.
Mom: Do you think it’s a quart?  A pint?  A half-gallon?
Me: I guess we could Google “bladder capacity” to find out.
Mom:  Good idea.
Me:  Is it strange that we’re having this conversation in a public restroom?
Mom:  Well, no one else is in here.
Me:  That’s true… I guess I’m just not used to talking to anyone else while I’m in the restroom.

Who’s on first?

October 10, 2011

Scene: Sitting in the living room, watching TV while eating breakfast.

Mom: Oh, that looks so good.  I’d really like to go to the game dinner.
Me: Which game?
Mom: There is no game.
Me: What do you mean, there is no game?
Mom: You eat the game,

(Osker sees a commercial with a dog and starts his charge to the TV)

Mom: like quail and deer and things like that.  Got it?
Me: NO!!!!!
Mom (raising her voice): It’s not a sports game!  It’s food that you eat!
Me: I was yelling at the dog, not you…

They’re out to get us

October 10, 2011

Remember how I got called for jury duty a month or so ago?  I managed to wiggle out of it thanks to a doctor’s note describing my condition.  Then my mom got called a few weeks later and she got out of it, too.

Now they’ve mailed us another summons… addressed to the people who lived here before we moved in seven years ago.

They must be getting desperate.

I love Yom Kippur

October 9, 2011

I know that sounds rather strange to some people… after all, how many people say it’s depressing, they’d rather not go to shul but they have to, etc., etc.?

I wish I had a recording of the rabbi’s sermon from our Kol Nidré service because it was brilliant.  He spoke about how we weren’t created to adulate G-d, but rather to imitate Him and to partner with Him.  He also spoke about how teshuvah is not just repentance, but also a return — to G-d, to our community, and to our true selves, the people we were created to be.  And he talked about how forgiveness is a completely separate concept from forgetfulness.  G-d doesn’t forget our sins when He forgives us, and that’s a good thing — because He remembers how we’ve returned to Him and the covenant.  And what a wonderful thing for Him to remember!

I always come out of Kol Nidré feeling lighter, more connected, more genuine… It’s my favorite service of the year. 🙂

This smacks of Nazism to me

October 9, 2011
A quote from Bryan Fischer, a director at the American Family Association, during the Values Voter Summit:
Mormons and Muslims have a completely different definition of who Christ is than the Founding Fathers did, and do not deserve First Amendment protections as a consequence.
Back in the 1930s, the Nazi party slowly but steadily stripped Jews of the rights and protections afforded other German citizens because of their religious beliefs.  We all know what that led to…  How can people in America who claim that they have “values” spew that kind of bigotry?

And hey, I’m Jewish — I definitely don’t have a Christian definition of Jesus because I don’t think that he’s the Christ.  Does that mean that I should have no protection under the First Amendment?

I love these conversations

October 9, 2011

Me: I met a Frenchman at the service the other night.
Mom: Where’s he from?
Me (with a duh intonation): France.
Mom: (laughs)
Me: You know this is going to be my next blog post, right?
Mom: Well, I could have meant where in France is he from!
Me: Mmmhmm…