Archive for December, 2011

Mrs. Robinson

December 29, 2011

You know how Ellen DeGeneres has a segment on her talk show dedicated to photos that just come out wrong?  Well, now I have a photo to submit.  It was taken by the wedding photographer during the reception of my best friend’s wedding, and it is supposed to depict my mom congratulating the groom.  Instead, it looks like they’re kissing on the mouth while my best friend looks on with a strange expression on her face.

I would love to show it to y’all, but I can’t get it scanned on my computer… Windows 7 isn’t compatible with our scanner here at home. 😦

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My dad cracks me up, too

December 28, 2011

Usually I tell funny stories on my mom, but this one is a funny story on my dad.

My dad wanted undershirts for Christmas, so I bought him a pack.  Three days after he opened them, he told me he’d been wearing the same one day-in and day-out, even when he was sleeping, except for when he took his shower.

I told him he’d better switch undershirts or he’d end up stinking eventually.  I reminded him of the joke about the Aggie in the underwear store:

An Aggie is in an underwear store, and the man in line in front of him asks the clerk for seven pairs of underwear.  The clerk asks why seven pairs, and the man replies, “One for Monday, one for Tuesday, one for Wednesday…”.  Once the man has checked out, the Aggie asks the clerk for 12 pairs of underwear.  The clerk asks why, and the Aggie replies, “One for January, one for February, one for March…”

Lalalalalalala, I can’t hear you!

December 26, 2011

Every time I practice the piano while my mom (aka my piano teacher) is at home, she tells me she isn’t listening to me.  I almost believed her today… she was using the computer, thus a little distracted.  I started the exercises in Unit 4 of my piano book, which is dedicated to accidentals, the G-major five finger position, and chords in G major.  After I finished playing one of the songs, I heard her call out from across the house, “Are you missing an accidental on your left hand?!”

Yes, Mom, I am.  Note to self: F sharp.

You just have to wonder

December 26, 2011

whether the chemo’s disruption of your digestive system over the past year is the reason why your family decides to give you a book entitled “The History of Farting”…

Morbid humor

December 26, 2011

I’ve always known that I don’t want fake plastic flowers on my grave.  They’re just too tacky.  Instead, I’ve told all my friends around the world to send a rock of some sort to place on my gravestone.

So last night I was stuck in the bathroom and bored out of my mind, when a humorous mental picture came to me — it was an image of the postman trying to deliver all the packages with rocks, struggling under their weight, asking “What the hell’s in here anyway, rocks?!”

Because I’m a proofreader

December 20, 2011

(And please excuse the F-word)

My mom cracks me up, part 84,000

December 15, 2011

Scene: On the sofa in the middle of a commercial break during Wheel of Fortune.  Mom is wielding a bottle of lotion.

Mom:  Where’s your elbows?
Me:  On my arms.
Mom (pause, followed by a giggle): I guess I just asked “Where are your elbows?”, huh?
Me:  Yeah, you did.
Mom:  I guess what I meant was, “Let me see your elbows so I can put lotion on them.”
Me (proffering elbows):  Oh.  Okay.  Here they are.

How to get out of running errands

December 15, 2011

Tell your stepfather that you pooped your pants in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.  Not only will he not ask you to run the errand, he won’t even tell you what it was in the first place.

(No, I wasn’t lying about it — who would lie about something that embarrassing?!)

This has happened to me often enough since starting chemo that I’m about to make a habit of carrying spare underwear in my purse…

Guess the important person

December 13, 2011

(Or, my mom cracks me up.)

Scene: A few days ago. We’re in the living room, watching the CBS Evening News cover a meeting between the Secretary of State and Aung San Suu Kyi.

Mom: Who is that?
Me: Aung San Suu Kyi. She’s a pro-democracy activist in Burma/Myanmar and she’s been under house arrest for most of the past 20 years.
Mom: No, I mean Who is the blond lady?
Me: Mom! That’s Hillary Clinton!
Mom: Oh. Well, with her hair pulled up that way, she almost looks pretty…

Banished

December 8, 2011

I’ve already posted about my one naughty dog, Lucy, who ate my Hanukkah tickets to go see Fiddler on the Roof.  Now I get to post about my other naughty dog, Osker, who got mad when my mom locked him in my room by himself last night.

He peed in the bed and rolled in it.  Rotten dog.

It’s the second time in three weeks he’s peed in my room (both times out of spite) so he’s not allowed in anymore.